Gordon’s principles are simple but to learn to apply them takes quite a while: ‘Active listening’, ‘I-messages’ and ‘Win-win solutions’

A   IF THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH A CLASS … Gordon’s model is still helpful I have been using it for over 40 years. It is very simple but it is magical how it works. Still, I learnt it gradually by trial and error.

The class atmosphere and study habits should be under constant scrutiny. Gordon’s model that will be presented in more detail below has its place with the whole class and even in one-to-one situations with the teacher and a student even if things are running smoothly.

When students have a problem, the best way to solve it so that both parties are satisfied is to lead the students to find the solution themselves by discussion and active listening. Gordon’s model is something we do not automatically apply. We have to practise it for a while using trial and error mothod.

So what is the teacher supposed to do and say when a problem emerges?

Gordon’s model to solve conflict or problematic situations is accepted all over the world and even if it is rather simple in theory it requires a lot of practice since we are slaves of our own bad habits.                          

The Gordon method has only three stages:

Stage 1

Active listening: The teacher asks the students to explain what happened or what the problem is but takes no stand on the matter. No comments on who is right or who is to be blamed. He/She simply interprets and rephrases the students’ thoughts and feelings saying them aloud and leads the students to find the solution by themselves.

Stage 2

Sending I-messages: To avoid giving any judgements the teacher just states the situation at hand and expresses the feeling(s) he/she has due to the situation/incident. We usually send YOU-messages in which we judge or criticize other people and it breaks the communication. (See the previous article)

Stage 3

Win-win solution: This is the process that leads to a situation where the problem-owners themselves to find a solution that satisfies everybody’s needs and benefits. The most common question at this point is: “So, how do you suggest we solve this matter?”

Active listening

1. First use Passive listening: The teacher simply listens to the comments of the students with only minor phrases like ‘hm’ / ‘really’ / ‘aah‘ to keep the monologue going. The student thinks: “Finally someone listens to my point of view.” The most difficult thing for us teacher is to be quiet and not ask questions, comfort, advise or warn. We must not offer a ready-made solution to the problem but the student must come up with one him/herself.
2. Secondly, Keep the door open –use phrases such as ‘That’s an interesting point … Really? Wow, unbelievable! I’d like to hear more about it …’ to encourage the speaker to continue, to pour out everything. Do not advise, comment, warn or anything. Remain impartial and otherwise quiet.
3. Thirdly, train yourself to interpret what the student’s real message is. That message is often expressed implicitly, in an indirect way. It is often tricked by fear of something or feeling of humiliation or anger, for example.                          

The teacher’s response must have two parts: rephrasing the content of the message and adding the feeling or emotional state the student is in. (angry, afraid, annoyed, disappointed, humiliated, surprised, puzzled, pleased …) Note also how the teacher uses I-messages instead of you-messages which mostly carry a negative tone and the student is unwilling to co-operate after hearing them. You-messages solve the problem only from the point of view of the teacher, often at the expense of the student’s self-esteem

4. Finally ask the student what he/she thinks would be the best solution to the problem. This is the final step towards the ‘Win-win solution’

Don’t worry! Look at the sample dialogues in the next article and you will grasp the whole technique. Sample A is straight-forward and Sample B a bit more complicated. Practise the technique the next time you have a problem at school and you will never forget it. I have been using it for over 40 years.

Sample A ACTIVE LISTENING

Let’s take an example where THE STUDENT HAS A (HIDDEN) PROBLEM and needs advice.

In this kind of situation where the student has not done anything wrong only active listening is needed and the teacher may even suggest the solution because he/she is the expert.

The situation: Jane has been absent a lot and is worried that she will not be able to get a good grade for the course since there is so much catching-up work to do. On the surface level she is only asking if there will be an exam but …

See how ‘active listening utterances’ work in practice. Marked * ; Win-win solution question Marked ** and the student’s suggested solution ***

Jane: ‘Are we having an exam soon, sir?’

Teacher: ‘Yes, next week. Chapters 8 to 12 and the passive voice.’ Wrong interpretation because Jane probably already knows about the exam. So the reason for asking is something else: Fear of failure! Let’s try again!

Jane: ‘Are we having an exam soon, sir?

Teacher: ‘Ah, you want to know the date because you are afraid it might be a hard one.’ *

Jane: ‘ Yes, because I have been so much absent due to my illness and I want to do well in it.’

Teacher: ‘You are worried about your grade in this course because of the missed classes.’ *

Jane: ‘Yes, I need a good grade in English so I can go on a language course to London.’

Teacher: ‘London, that’s great. So you would be disappointed if you cannot go there. * What did you have in mind about the exam?’ **

Jane: ‘Well, we have been talking about asking you what the question types are going to be and if we have to write many essays.’ ***

Teacher: ‘Good question. I was just planning to send the instructions to the whole class how to prepare for the test. Besides, we will have a practice lesson next week.’

Jane: ‘Great, have a good day, sir.’

Teacher: ‘Same to you. I am sure everyone will do just fine since you have been so active all through the course.’

Sample B I-MESSAGES, ACTIVE LISTENING  and  WIN-WIN SOLUTION

A situation where the TEACHER HAS A PROBLEM:

The situation: Two boys loudly accusing each other of something. They cause disturbing noise. The teacher’s problem: He has to stop teaching an important matter. Consequently, other students’ focus is lost and now time will be wasted.

Teacher: ‘Jim, what is the matter? I get nervous when I have to stop explaining this formula since there is so much noise in the class.’

Jim: ‘Tom banged me on the head with his book, sir.’

Tom: ‘But you threw your eraser right on my head.’

Teacher: ‘So Jim threw his eraser at Tom and you, Tom, got angry because it hurt a lot. And you Tom wanted to have your revenge since you were so furious about the sudden attack. And you Jim feel it is unfair that the bang on your head hurt much more than what you did to Tom. Right?

Boys: ‘Yes, sir.’

Teacher: ‘I don’t want these things happening in my class since I get disappointed when we are wasting valuable lesson time. What do you suggest we should do now?’

Tom: ‘Sorry, sir. I’ll try to control my temper next time.’

Jim: ‘Me too. Sorry, sir.’

Note that the teacher is sending I-messages, doing active listening and interpreting the real messages: both boys are angry since they have been physically hurt but at the same time both boys are guilty anyway.

Active listening: The teacher is rephrasing the situation and expressing the feelings the boys have. No judgement who is right and who is wrong. The boys get a feeling that the teacher is fair, on their side and understands the emotional turmoil they are going through. Then they can move on to the vital question: ‘Now boys, what do you think we should do?’ which leads to a win-win situation/solution.

It is very simple but magical how it works. Not only with students but with people in general. Try it out yourself!

Gordon is still my hero. Even after 40 years of application of his principles: ‘active listening’, ‘I-messages’ and ‘win-win solutions’

Thomas Gordon’s principles on human behaviour and communication have affected me more than anyone else in my 42 years of teaching. The ideas in this article are modified and adapted from Thomas Gordon’s book ‘Teacher Effectiveness Training’ published in 1971.

‘But that was 50 years ago’, I hear you saying. Yes, but in spite of the great development in the theories and practices of pedagogy and educational studies, Gordon’s ideas are still the corner stones of how I deal with people and problems with them. I have touched upon some of the ideas already in the previous articles dealing with ‘Class management and control’.

I will deal with the following topics in the this and the next articles.

1. What is an ideal teacher-student relationship like?
2. The importance of sending ‘I-messages‘ instead of ‘You-messages’ 
3. The technique of ‘active listening’, ‘sending I-messages’ and ‘aiming at a win-win solution’ + sample dialogues

A WISE TEACHER, introduction

Some teachers consider teaching content matter to the students and developing their thinking skills as their only tasks. However, as CLT teachers we see the work of a teacher consisting of many other aspects, too. One of them is to take care of the overall development of the students and I believe most of these skills will be learnt as a by-product of student-centred methods in class.

Nevertheless, problems will always emerge in class and if the teacher does not have some profound principles and techniques how to solve them, they will disturb the learning process and affect the students’ and teacher’s motivation at work.

It took me many months to internalize and try out Gordon’s principles but once I mastered them I have never given them up.

The key to a successful teacher-student relationship

The relationship between the teacher and the students is one of the most important factors in learning. And the success of teacher-student relationship boils down to mutual respect!

Students are willing to voluntarily change their behavior if they get the impression that the teacher genuinely accepts them just the way they are and wants to help them. No matter how good or weak students they are.

We do not always approve of what our students do and we tell it to them but it does not mean we give up the hope of them becoming responsible citizens and parents.

Sometimes the teacher is the ONLY adult in the student’s life who really cares what happens to them. The best reward for a teacher is to meet an ex-student who wishes to thank us for encouraging and getting them through rough times by just being so supportive.     

In his book Gordon identifies 4 essential factors in successful student-teacher relationships.

1  Openness and integrity/honesty – so that both parties can speak directly to each other without fear. If both parties observe and think about the feelings of  each other, we are on the right track.  

My view: This is also a question of our ability to use our ’emotional intelligence’ and feelings of empathy. The success in giving feedback to others is closely linked to our ability in knowing what kind of feelings our feedback arouses in the listeners.

2  Taking others into account – so that both parties have a feeling of acceptance and being respected. The feeling of being accepted, liked and respected is vital and is something we all yearn for.      

My view: The best kind of teacher-student ralationship is based on mutual respect and it cannot be based on how good the students are in our subject but what they are like as persons, how they treat others and how hard they are doing their best.  Respect is not given, it has to be earned. And it is deeds that reveal more than words.      

3  Independence and freedom – so that everyone can be who they are without pretending. Most of us can sense if someone is pretending to be something else than they really are. And most of us want to have a say in our lives on what we should do – still, becoming independent and becoming a responsible citizen takes a lot of time.    

My view: The present-day life, magazines and TV reality shows are full of ‘false idols’ whose glamorous looks disappears in shower and whose ideas on human lives are as hollow as a woodpecker’s home. That is why we teachers  have to enforce the feeling in our students that they can and should think independently and not flow with the main stream and end up in a water fall or rocky rapids.                                         

4  Problem solving – so that both leave the scene as winners. No-one wants to lose a game or leave others with a feeling that your opinion was not taken into account or if you are forced to do something against your will.

My view: This is also an important point for the teacher since they should point out to the students that being too dominant in class prevents the shy ones from having the guts to participate in activities full-heartedly.

On the other hand, the shy ones must be encouraged to fight back for their rights and they should not be afraid of being judged and disrespected by others due to to things they say or do. For these reasons, pair and group work in randomized compositions are ideal in helping students to become constructively independent critical thinkers who are free of all fears.

Care and be fair!   Be reliable and consistent! And you will be respected.

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM IN CLASS … Gordon’s model is unbeatable

Gordon’s model, that will be presented in more detail in the following articles, has its place even in one-to-one situations between the teacher and a student even if things are running smoothly. You might try it out with your soul mate or kids and you can apply the principles with them as well.

So what is the teacher supposed to do and say when a problem emerges?

Gordon’s model to solve conflicts or problematic situations is accepted all over the world and even if it is rather simple in theory it requires a lot of practice since we are slaves of our own bad habits. You are bound to fall in the traps many times.

The approach is slightly different depending who has the problem but the actual procedure is basically very much the same. Most of these ideas are over 40 years old but they are still valid and can be applied with great success.                          

The Gordon method has only three stages:

1. Active listening: The teacher just listens to the students’ comments but takes no stand on the matter but interprets the student’s thoughts and feelings in his/her mind and later helps the student to find the solution by him/herself. The teacher merely listens and says “Hm. /Really /Oh /Interesting”
2. I-messages: To avoid giving any judgements the teacher just states the situation at hand and expresses the feeling(s) he/she has due to the situation/incident. We tend to use YOU-messages that often block the discussion. N.B. See what a difference in saying: “Bill, shut up, you drive me crazy!” or “Bill, I get annoyed when I have to stop teaching and everybody’s time is wasted.”
3. Win-win solution: This is the discussion process that leads the problem-owners themselves to find a solution that satisfies everybody’s needs and benefits. The teachers key question is: “So, what do you think you should do?”
4. Let’s take an example which we will deal with under title ‘I- and YOU-messages’. The situation: Malcolm has difficulties in getting started with his essay writing. He cannot get started and it clearly annoys him and he also shows it clearly. Can you imagine yourself saying the following things to him? Task 1   Mark Yes / No / Depends  

1. Stop complaining and start working!  
2. You had better get started if you wish to get a good grade for this course.
3. Solve you own problems at home. When you are at school you have to study and not daydream.                                          
4. You have to stop wasting your time and then you will be able to finish the work.                                     
5. We only have one more week of school and this essay has to be ready by Tuesday morning.                                             
6. You are a real pighead.    
7. Grow up. You behave like this was a daycare centre.
8. It’s hard to believe you have planned to start senior high next year.
9. You are just finding excuses not to finish the assignment on time.  
10. This task is a piece of cake for you. It has never caused you any difficulties.
11. Listen, essay writing use to be a challenge for me too. You are not the only one who thinks so.  
12. Was this assignment too difficult for you?  
13. Why did you not tell me earlier you did not understand the theory?
14. Come on, stop talking about the bad grade and let’s finish this crossword.
15. You are feeling guilty about not being able to return the essay today. I can see it in your face.
16. Check how many YES- ,NO-, Depends- answers you had.

We will discuss the use and effectiveness of these utterances in the article ‘I- and YOU-messages.’

Being a military commander in class does not work. Neither does being the students’ buddy. Where is the balance?

In the previous article we considered the importance of a healthy, respectful teacher-student relationship. Now I will move on to discuss the balance between the teacher being too tolerant or too strict .

What are the consequences of the teacher being too tolerant and understanding?

Every teacher has experiences of situations where being too understanding and tolerant has led to an uncomfortable incident with a student. Some students immediately take advantage of a situation if they see that we do not consistently insist on the students observing class rules.

If the teacher is too tolerant and

pretends to approve of things he/she actually condemns deep inside,

his/her inner self will suffer

since he/she has to give in all the time against his/her own will.

So, being too tolerant may lead to a disaster with students and a stressful feeling and situation for the teacher. But the same thing may happen if we are too strict. How come?

What are the two ways students usually react to an unpleasant order given by a strict or negative teacher?  

1) they silently obey because they have learnt to do so BUT the pressure and negative feelings start building up inside them

OR

2) they disobey or challenge the teacher AND the pressure is building up either in the students’ minds or in the teacher’s mind or both

What is the underlying belief of a strict teacher on how to control students’ behavior?

A strict teacher believes that a change in the student’s behavior can be reached by an order which cannot be questioned. If the student is disobedient, threats and punishments make the situation even worse since they will spoil the atmosphere and joy in learning.  Punishments and harsh discipline will not work in the long run.

The best teachers seem to keep a very low profile with class management and insist on the students doing what they are supposed to do. Saying the student’s name or a glance at them does the trick.

So, how do we find the balance between the two extremes?

Wise teachers …

take control of the classes from the very beginning and have clear class rules, which are carefully explained to them.

are willing to change some class rules and their style of teaching and testing if the students make suggestions constructively with justifications.

make sure the students know the consequences of breaking class rules, treat every student the same way but do not base their class management on warnings and punishments.

realize they have to be the boss in the class giving instructions, ordering and making sure there is order and peaceful atmosphere in the class, they have the right and duty to it, determination is reflected in their personality.

do not try to be buddies with the students but maintain a professional distance to them, this may be a pitfall for young inexperienced teachers.

approve of most things the students do if class rules are not violated.

admit their mistakes, do not pretend in any way and do not try to have a super teacher mask on them.

do not shout at or get in conflict situations with the students or their parents, patience is a virtue in life.

use their emotional intelligence; interpret both verbal and non-verbal communication as well as the students’ feelings.

are very strict and firm when dealing with the whole class but in more friendly terms when talking to individuals while others are working.

keep the students busy with student-centered activities and have a hidden agenda in teaching social skills too as a side-product.

are truly present all the time .

Respect has to be earned. Care and be reliable, fair and consistent and you will be respected.