Tag Archives: behaviour

Class management

I- and YOU-messages

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YOU-messages judge the behaviour of a student. As a result they feel hurt and may disobey because of that.

In Gordon’s terminology YOU-messages refer to utterances which involve a problematic situation where the teacher is not pleased with the students’ behaviour or the way they work in class.

N.B. You-messages do not refer to situations where we are satisfied with our students and genuinely want to advise, thank, praise or guide them.

Situation in class: Malcolm has difficulties in getting started with his essay writing. He cannot get started and it clearly annoys him and he also shows it clearly.

Can you imagine saying the following things to him? Yes / No / Depends How effective are these utterances in solving Malcolm’s’s problem?

If you already answered ‘Yes / No / Depends’ in an earlier article , you may want to move on to look at my comments on the utterance below.

  1. Stop complaining and start working!  
  2. You had better get started if you wish to get a good grade for this course.
  3. Solve your own problems at home. When you are at school you have to study and not daydream.                                          
  4. You have to stop wasting your time and then you will be able to finish the work.                                     
  5. We only have one more week of school and this essay has to be ready by Tuesday morning.                                             
  6. You are pigheaded.    
  7. Grow up. You behave like this was a daycare centre.
  8. It’s hard to believe you have planned to start senior high next year.
  9. You are just finding excuses not to finish the assignment on time.  
  10. This task is a piece of cake for you. It has never caused you any difficulties.
  11. Listen, essay writing use to be a challenge for me too. You are not the only one who thinks so.  
  12. Was this assignment too difficult for you?  
  13. Why did you not tell me earlier you did not understand the theory?
  14. Come on, stop talking about the bad grade and let’s do something nice.
  15. You are feeling guilty about not being able to return the essay today. I can see it in your face.
Miltary discipline in classes? No thank you. CLT teachers prepare the students for ordinary life and situations.

The point in thinking about these utterances is to consider their effect on the students and how they interpret them. Of course, the tone of voice and intonation are decisive how the messages are understood. How would you react if any of the things were said to you?

The potential interpretations below illustrate the harmfulness of some of these ‘innocent, benevolent’ utterances that we all are guilty of. So, let’s be careful in being too judgemental.

  1. Stop complaining and start working!  ORDER
  2. You had better get started if you wish to get a good grade for this course. WARNING/THREAT
  3. Solve your own problems at home. When you are at school you have to study and not daydream.  MORALIZING
  4. You have to stop wasting your time and then you will be able to finish the work.  CRITICAL ADVISING                                   
  5. We only have one more week of school and this essay has to be ready by Tuesday morning.  GUIDANCE 
  6. You are pigheaded. INSULT / BELITTLING JUDGEMENT   
  7. Grow up. You behave like this was a daycare centre. SCORN / REDICULING
  8. It’s hard to believe you have planned to start senior high next year. INSULT / SHAMING
  9. You are just finding excuses not to finish the assignment on time. UNJUSTIFIED INTERPRETATION
  10. This task is a piece of cake for you. It has never caused you any difficulties. COMFORTING
  11. Listen, essay writing use to be a challenge for me too. You are not the only one who thinks so. BEING EMPATHIC
  12.  Was this assignment too difficult for you? QUESTIONING
  13.  Why did you not tell me earlier you did not understand the theory? INTERROGATION
  14. Come on, stop talking about the bad grade and let’s do something nice. HUMOUR with DIVERTING ATTENTION
  15. You are feeling guilty about not being able to return the essay today. I can see it in your face. PSYCHO ANALYSIS

If the relationship is open and free from problems, the teacher can, of course, genuinely thank, praise as well as guide the student with questions and reasoning. Numbers 5, 10, 11, 12 and even 15 might be quite harmless. It all depends on how you say them.

Why do YOU-messages NOT work?

The other utterances above are so-called ‘YOU’-statements that we have to be careful with. Let’s see why and look at examples 1 and 7.

YOU-messages
1 Stop complaining and start working! ORDER
7 Grow up! You behave like this was a daycare centre, SCORN / RIDICULING
Message:
This is what Malcolm hears:
Malcolm, you are a failure and I don’t like you.
Another disappointment for the student. See the examples below how to use I-messages to soften the message in a positive way.

YOU-messages easily block communication between the student and the teacher. Let’s have another example why YOU-messages are not effective.

Situation: The teacher is getting nervous.
His/Her YOU-message: “Stop it! You are disturbing the class!”
The student’s interpretation: ‘He/She doesn’t like me. I don’t want to obey or co-operate with him/her.
‘He/She doesn’t care about me. Why should I care about him/her?’
And as a result the communication is blocked.

I myself have a very black sense of humour and I am easily very sarcastic. poker-faced. I have learnt to warn my students about it because in many cases the students have thought I was serious and they felt offended. Luckily my students told about it to me and I have learnt to be more careful and apologize for it if I still mess around.

Ok, maybe you agree with Gordon’s way of thinking. Let’s take a couple of more examples to hammer in the difference between ‘I- andYOU-messages’.

Can you feel the difference and grasp the effect of the YOU- and I-messages below? Roughly the same message but a different effect!

YOU-messageI-message
You are wrong.I disagree.
Start helping me now!I could use a hand, please!
You drive me mad.I feel annoyed when you do that.
That’s just an excuse to leave the class without a reason.I feel disappointed now. Am I right in assuming that is just an excuse?
I stumbled for a long time in getting rid of YOU-messages and learning to use I-messages.

Why do I-messages work?

The students are willing to do things for us and respect us

  • if they feel we accept them unconditionally as they are
  • if they feel we are on their side, helping them even if they have misbehaved
  • if we treat them fairly regardless of their skills
  • if we take their feelings into account

This is how you can start the I-message: I think …, I feel …, I believe …, I need …, I want …, I wish …, I’d like to …

  • I-messages don’t damage the student’s self-esteem because he/she does not feel he/she is judged or criticized.
  • I-messages do not directly tell the student what to do or stop doing. That is why he is more willing to change his behavior.
  • I-messages imply that the teacher is an ordinary human being with his/her feelings and needs, and requests for some respect for his/her work.

You-messages mostly carry a negative tone and the student is unwilling to co-operate after hearing and interpreting them (The teacher does not like me. Why should I obey?) You-messages solve the problem only from the point of view of the teacher, often at the expense of the student’s self-esteem.

If you send you-messages, you will hurt your listener’s feelings and the person will think:     

‘You don’t seem to care how bad I am feeling so why should I try to please or obey you.’