Gordon is still my hero. Even after 40 years of application of his principles: ‘active listening’, ‘I-messages’ and ‘win-win solutions’

Thomas Gordon’s principles on human behaviour and communication have affected me more than anyone else in my 42 years of teaching. The ideas in this article are modified and adapted from Thomas Gordon’s book ‘Teacher Effectiveness Training’ published in 1971.

‘But that was 50 years ago’, I hear you saying. Yes, but in spite of the great development in the theories and practices of pedagogy and educational studies, Gordon’s ideas are still the corner stones of how I deal with people and problems with them. I have touched upon some of the ideas already in the previous articles dealing with ‘Class management and control’.

I will deal with the following topics in the this and the next articles.

1. What is an ideal teacher-student relationship like?
2. The importance of sending ‘I-messages‘ instead of ‘You-messages’ 
3. The technique of ‘active listening’, ‘sending I-messages’ and ‘aiming at a win-win solution’ + sample dialogues

A WISE TEACHER, introduction

Some teachers consider teaching content matter to the students and developing their thinking skills as their only tasks. However, as CLT teachers we see the work of a teacher consisting of many other aspects, too. One of them is to take care of the overall development of the students and I believe most of these skills will be learnt as a by-product of student-centred methods in class.

Nevertheless, problems will always emerge in class and if the teacher does not have some profound principles and techniques how to solve them, they will disturb the learning process and affect the students’ and teacher’s motivation at work.

It took me many months to internalize and try out Gordon’s principles but once I mastered them I have never given them up.

The key to a successful teacher-student relationship

The relationship between the teacher and the students is one of the most important factors in learning. And the success of teacher-student relationship boils down to mutual respect!

Students are willing to voluntarily change their behavior if they get the impression that the teacher genuinely accepts them just the way they are and wants to help them. No matter how good or weak students they are.

We do not always approve of what our students do and we tell it to them but it does not mean we give up the hope of them becoming responsible citizens and parents.

Sometimes the teacher is the ONLY adult in the student’s life who really cares what happens to them. The best reward for a teacher is to meet an ex-student who wishes to thank us for encouraging and getting them through rough times by just being so supportive.     

In his book Gordon identifies 4 essential factors in successful student-teacher relationships.

1  Openness and integrity/honesty – so that both parties can speak directly to each other without fear. If both parties observe and think about the feelings of  each other, we are on the right track.  

My view: This is also a question of our ability to use our ’emotional intelligence’ and feelings of empathy. The success in giving feedback to others is closely linked to our ability in knowing what kind of feelings our feedback arouses in the listeners.

2  Taking others into account – so that both parties have a feeling of acceptance and being respected. The feeling of being accepted, liked and respected is vital and is something we all yearn for.      

My view: The best kind of teacher-student ralationship is based on mutual respect and it cannot be based on how good the students are in our subject but what they are like as persons, how they treat others and how hard they are doing their best.  Respect is not given, it has to be earned. And it is deeds that reveal more than words.      

3  Independence and freedom – so that everyone can be who they are without pretending. Most of us can sense if someone is pretending to be something else than they really are. And most of us want to have a say in our lives on what we should do – still, becoming independent and becoming a responsible citizen takes a lot of time.    

My view: The present-day life, magazines and TV reality shows are full of ‘false idols’ whose glamorous looks disappears in shower and whose ideas on human lives are as hollow as a woodpecker’s home. That is why we teachers  have to enforce the feeling in our students that they can and should think independently and not flow with the main stream and end up in a water fall or rocky rapids.                                         

4  Problem solving – so that both leave the scene as winners. No-one wants to lose a game or leave others with a feeling that your opinion was not taken into account or if you are forced to do something against your will.

My view: This is also an important point for the teacher since they should point out to the students that being too dominant in class prevents the shy ones from having the guts to participate in activities full-heartedly.

On the other hand, the shy ones must be encouraged to fight back for their rights and they should not be afraid of being judged and disrespected by others due to to things they say or do. For these reasons, pair and group work in randomized compositions are ideal in helping students to become constructively independent critical thinkers who are free of all fears.

Care and be fair!   Be reliable and consistent! And you will be respected.

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM IN CLASS … Gordon’s model is unbeatable

Gordon’s model, that will be presented in more detail in the following articles, has its place even in one-to-one situations between the teacher and a student even if things are running smoothly. You might try it out with your soul mate or kids and you can apply the principles with them as well.

So what is the teacher supposed to do and say when a problem emerges?

Gordon’s model to solve conflicts or problematic situations is accepted all over the world and even if it is rather simple in theory it requires a lot of practice since we are slaves of our own bad habits. You are bound to fall in the traps many times.

The approach is slightly different depending who has the problem but the actual procedure is basically very much the same. Most of these ideas are over 40 years old but they are still valid and can be applied with great success.                          

The Gordon method has only three stages:

1. Active listening: The teacher just listens to the students’ comments but takes no stand on the matter but interprets the student’s thoughts and feelings in his/her mind and later helps the student to find the solution by him/herself. The teacher merely listens and says “Hm. /Really /Oh /Interesting”
2. I-messages: To avoid giving any judgements the teacher just states the situation at hand and expresses the feeling(s) he/she has due to the situation/incident. We tend to use YOU-messages that often block the discussion. N.B. See what a difference in saying: “Bill, shut up, you drive me crazy!” or “Bill, I get annoyed when I have to stop teaching and everybody’s time is wasted.”
3. Win-win solution: This is the discussion process that leads the problem-owners themselves to find a solution that satisfies everybody’s needs and benefits. The teachers key question is: “So, what do you think you should do?”
4. Let’s take an example which we will deal with under title ‘I- and YOU-messages’. The situation: Malcolm has difficulties in getting started with his essay writing. He cannot get started and it clearly annoys him and he also shows it clearly. Can you imagine yourself saying the following things to him? Task 1   Mark Yes / No / Depends  

1. Stop complaining and start working!  
2. You had better get started if you wish to get a good grade for this course.
3. Solve you own problems at home. When you are at school you have to study and not daydream.                                          
4. You have to stop wasting your time and then you will be able to finish the work.                                     
5. We only have one more week of school and this essay has to be ready by Tuesday morning.                                             
6. You are a real pighead.    
7. Grow up. You behave like this was a daycare centre.
8. It’s hard to believe you have planned to start senior high next year.
9. You are just finding excuses not to finish the assignment on time.  
10. This task is a piece of cake for you. It has never caused you any difficulties.
11. Listen, essay writing use to be a challenge for me too. You are not the only one who thinks so.  
12. Was this assignment too difficult for you?  
13. Why did you not tell me earlier you did not understand the theory?
14. Come on, stop talking about the bad grade and let’s finish this crossword.
15. You are feeling guilty about not being able to return the essay today. I can see it in your face.
16. Check how many YES- ,NO-, Depends- answers you had.

We will discuss the use and effectiveness of these utterances in the article ‘I- and YOU-messages.’